Hey, remember that one weekend where Catwoman and I were taken on a wild ride, ditched and shafted by a bunch of drunken morons who claimed to be in a band? A band signed with “a major label” who claimed to live in a $10 million house in Hollywood Hills and money to burn who said that $300 was a drop in the bucket to them? They still haven’t paid us. In fact, they’ve been playing the “let’s ignore them and see if they disappear” trick with us, so I guess a few hundred dollars really is a big deal to them. They must be afraid to break open their little piggy banks, aww. Anyway, after Catwoman kept emailing them (after sending an invoice and setting a deadline, after which there would be late fees), the dipwad in charge finally wrote back. It made me so angry, this self-righteous douchebaggery that trust fund hipsters own in spades because they’ve never wanted anything, that I’m going to pull out a very old trick of mine. You get to read Mr. Douchebag’s letter, but with a running commentary. Think of it as a literary Mystery Science Theater 3000. And if you’ve never seen that show, I weep for you. I really truly do. Anyway:

You can take me to court for 300 dollars, pay 20 to get there In gas another 56 for small claims and then prob another 30-50 in misc fees.  Then u will have someone try to serve    me. They probably would never actually be able to hand me the papers since I’m never around, but let’s say they do. At this point I won’t show to court, you will automatically win and be owed the 300 plus your costs so let’s say 425.  Now u will try to collect for 10 years and I will never pay so over the course and cost of time, gas and frustration you will probably be out an additional 300-500.
Thank you for admitting from the outset that you’re a law breaking, self indulgent little asshat who thinks he’s above the law because it inconveniences him. It’s about time dickheads started being honest and upfront about the fact that they’re dickheads. Though I’d love to know why you’re never around the house, because your shit-ass band never plays gigs and isn’t recording, so what exactly do you do? I mean, besides rip off street performers, public drunkenness and public urination, along with indecent exposure and breach of contract. I’m sure you’re busy taking your dirty panties to your mum for her to wash the piss stains out, because you certainly don’t bring anything useful to the table.
So my best advice is this. Stop complaining and threatening me with petty small claims suits and come pick your check up cuz I don’t have time to mail it out.
Again, too busy being a full-time asshole? That must be so draining on you! You poor baby, I had no idea being a loudmouthed, borderline retarded alcoholic was such hard work. I’ll certainly never look at the overprivileged the same again. Also, how can you be too busy to drop an envelope in the letterbox, and yet you’re magically home to hand out checks? I thought you’d just said that you were never around. Hmm, maybe we should just say we’re coming by to pick up checks and then serve you with papers. Thanks for the heads up, dick.
Plus, Catwoman and I specifically stipulated that there be no personal checks, only a business check to each of us. That means the band’s (or record label’s) accountant would cut the check and mail it off. No work at all for you, you stupid lunatic. Did you really get a record contract for your so-called “talent” (and believe me, talent wasn’t in the room whenever your music was written, performed or recorded — you must have abandoned it at a gas station bathroom as well), or did the execs grant it to you via Make-A-Wish?
And this is also the deal. You blame us ME for leaving you.  We did not leave you.
Your people went to the station with us, they left the station without us, the bus full of your people left without us. If that’s not leaving us, what is? Seriously, is English your second, or maybe tenth language? I think you need to invest in a dictionary and learn what words really mean.
Your big girls. You were paid for one thing. One thing and Thats to stay on the bus and be silly for the camera.
We did. But as soon as you hired us, we became your responsibility. We were under contract to you, not to Starline or anyone else in the whole goddamn world. Where we were and what we did while under contract to you is your responsibility. If we would have been one of the idiots pissing off the side of the bus and the cops pulled the bus over, you would have been at least partially responsible for what happened because you brought us on the bus (and were supposed to pay for our tickets, per the contractual agreement). Starline would have busted your ass and your record label would have had to pay some damages because we were under your care.
As far as I’m concerned when u are hired you don’t point fingers at your employer.  Which was weak of you to do.  1 job!!!!!
If that’s weak, then being irresponsible enough to act the way you did, break a contract and abandon people on the side of the road is worse than weak. That’s beyond newborn kitten weak. It’s beyond half dead weak. It’s even beyond dead weak. It’s pathetic. It’s not mature, it’s not adult, it’s not responsible, and it’s not how decent human beings act. We did our job by laughing at your stupid jokes, saying what you wanted us to say on camera, so we fulfilled our part of the bargain. You broke every aspect of your half, so we’re perfectly within our rights to take you to court and get what’s ours. Don’t blame your mistakes and massive shortcomings on others, it’s pathetically weak.
It’s not my responsibility to make sure ur on the bus!  U kidding me?  I didn’t want to be an asshole
Too late! And yes, it is. Like I’ve said before, once we entered into our agreement we became your responsibility, especially as far as Starline was concerned. And at least they had the decency to be appalled when they found out we’d been abandoned, which is more than I can say for your callous, unfeeling, shitty little self. If it didn’t happen directly to you, you couldn’t care less, am I right?
but it’s not like ur in charge of a group of 20, u were responsible for one job. To be on the bus and look good for the camera.  As far as I am concerned from a pay rate you got off early and should get paid 3/4ths the total.
I haven’t said this yet, but go fuck yourself with a splintery broom handle, you miserable twat. I hope God himself reads this and wishes your mum had gotten an abortion, because people like you are an abomination to the human race and everything decent people work to achieve. You’re spoiled, self-centered, self-righteous, ignorant, sanctimonious and just a hideous person all around. WE DID OUR JOB. If you keep getting irritated by this instance, maybe that little niggling in the back of your head is guilt. Guilt that you’re such a shitty person, guilt that you contribute nothing positive to this world, and guilt that you treat other people like this and think you’re entitled to it. Buy a ladder and get the fuck over yourself. And admit your shortcomings while you’re at it. The 20 or so people under your care were your resposibility while on that bus, and you lost three of them in two hours. That’s 15% of your group. If that’s not a FAIL, I don’t know what is. Oh, and because we live in a Western civilization with laws that protect employees from shithead employers such as yourself, we were perfectly within our legal rights to use the restroom. Because no facilities were on the bus, logically we would have to disembark to use a proper toilet. This was not a breach of contract on our part, just petty dickheadedness on yours. See your mistake?

Don’t get technical with me just pick up your check or give me ur account details so I can wire online

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: go fuck yourself. Brash little infants who hammer out one nonsensical nasty letter don’t intimidate me, and I know in my heart and mind that you’re wrong on every count. I don’t take legal action lightly and I wouldn’t threaten it if I didn’t think we have a case against you, but we do. What’s more, people tend to side with the underdog more than the elitist bitches now more than ever, so a gaggle of rich, stupid drunken kids doing stupid, drunken things and willfully breaking the law on film versus two law-abiding women fulfilling their half of a contract doesn’t work in your favor very well. Works great for us, though. So you can do this the easy way or you can do this the hard way: either shut the bloody fuck up, sit down and do the right thing for once in your pathetic life, or keep running with this. Show the world that you’re a little pussy who struts around bragging about the big fancy house he lives in, all the rich things he gets to do and how little money means to him, but breaks his contracts at the drop of a hat and tries to bully people he views as less than him into meekly rolling over for him. Is all this trouble really worth it to you, Rich Uncle Pennybags? Why don’t you do the magnanimous thing and save some face by paying us what you owe (and what we earned by being forced to look at your naked, drunken selves and the constant fear of being arrested just for being in the vicinity)? You just look like a dick, fighting us over what you call a pittance.

And that, kids, is why you never fuck with Batgirl.